Yeah that was it. fucking needles and a case of beer. or better cleaning the walls with my tongue hanging out. fuck it. ugh. peace be with you and also with you and i certainly don't remember the times before. so i slept in a car. so i jerked off on my friends couch and smoked his dad's weed. they were "trying to help". it's all dirt under the nails. and in the coffin. so here it is. i'm rotting. the girl doesn't smile without a dick in her. and blacker days i can't imagine. what heals. lift. fuck. smile. it's the trap. it's what i've chosen. can this even come off. ah here i am:
day fuck to day fuck to night fuck. and continue on to the black place. my dreams. my dream. the most selfish and hallucinatory mind prick. guilt at each turn. mostly money, sex, power and the like. what of the real synapses? hap hap happy. an illusion shattered by my need to break anything working. working for me. at least. in the least way. if it's worth doing. it's worth not doing and fantasizing of the benefits. and what it would be like to succeed. right now i build walls with my smile. digging the ditch of humanity with a polite grin. bordering on "abso-lutely" about to show up assault rifle style.
